So I write to you today somewhat teary and aggrieved and upset. Whilst I have been on my journey there have been some people voicing negative comments, 2 in the last 48 hours in particular which have really gotten to me.
First of all someone on Facebook put a status which i can only presume was aimed at me about me ‘not really’ having a problem and using it ‘as an excuse’ to cover for my own uselessness, now I don't know 100% that was aimed at me but given all the links from the radio and this blog etc on that day and some of the things the person referred to I'm fairly confident it was.
Then today I picked up a message feed from an Ex Girlfriend who was with me when I decided to stop drinking and started my recovery. She said ‘I don’t believe you, that you were an alcoholic because you wouldn't of been able to give up that easily’.....EASILY??!! FFS i would of loved easily i was and still is 29 weeks down the line a daily battle with the odds well and truly stacked against me, there is very little will power, confidence or happiness within and when cravings appear it is very hard to fight them. There is someone else who has constantly been judging me and making comments as well, the fact is NO BODY really knows me on a daily basis, or how bad demons were. All I will say is i drank from the age of 14/15. When I was 18/19 and first got manic depression (bi polar as its also known) i was drinking daily until i was at least 23, at the same time as drinking especially around the age of 19 for a period of about 9/10 months i was hooked daily on alcohol, E Pills and lines of cocaine. I moved to Butlins in Bognor Regis to escape the drugs but I was still drinking heavily and smoking cannabis.
Once I hit 23 I was in a happy relationship and I curbed the drinking down to a social level and all was good. But then once that broke up and I relapsed mental mental health wise in 2008/2009 i started drinking daily again to a much higher level. Mon-Fri or shall we call them normal days I was drinking between 8-12 Pints of Lager, In the evening time chasers of Jack Daniels or Rum and just to sip on when thirsty out the fridge 3 litre bottles of super strength cider. Weekend days or days out parties etc the chasers became more often and it was 12-16 pints a day, every single day no days off. I would not get out of bed without drinking a can of lager or a shot of Jack.
Only I know my demons and how much I was abusing alcohol and myself and only I know how much i struggle daily still 29 weeks down the line not to go back to that, it takes all my strength and help from support i get at The Recovery Partnership, even now cuts of all these comments all I want to do is go “fuck it, maybe your right, lets go get pissed” but Im stronger then that now and determined not to cave in and go back to that poor standard of life, at the rate I was drinking and my mental health relapse I would estimate that within 2 years at the most I would of been dead for one reason or another, most likely because i would of killed myself or given myself liver disease or alcohol poisining.
People need to sort there own lives and issues out and leave me alone, walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me!.
Ok so lets try and be positive now, so its now later in the day and I have attended a MAPs group meeting which helped massively and we talked through everything and I'm ok now, so here is positive stuff;
- So today Im up at Recovery doing a maps group to get a bit of support and proping up again and socialisg with a fast growing network of friends
- I have done 10 Mindfulness CD’s for Recovery to hand out to service users and they have been very well received and snapped up in no time so I'm going to work on doing some more with professional packaging etc
- I am going to be sending off some more emails etc to try and make things happen later on and making as much noise as possible about addiction and recovery during what is ‘National Recovery Month’
- In November one way or another I will be attending ‘The National Recovery Conference’ a 2 day event in Manchester with endless high end networking opportunities
- I stuck up info on this blog and links etc in the waiting room at Recovery today
- I have connected with a recovery service in Coventry and they are keen for me to get very involved with them and the work there doing, including a day conference event next week in Coventry
There is lots going on and its all positive and very exciting, I will write more tomorrow on what will mark 29 weeks sober!
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