No pride or self love

no pride or self love

I’ve never seen anyone drink themselves smart, successful or happy. Most end up broke, bitter and alone.

The more I think now about who I am and was when I was drinking, to be honest, I’m ashamed of who I was.  I had no self-pride, I wouldn’t wash, put on clean clothes, wash my hair, clean my teeth, I was vile.  I would hide and cover up my drinking, I would spend my last penny on drink even if that meant depriving myself of food. I would let people down, I could never hold down a job or I would erratically quit jobs, I’ve even stolen from workplaces to fund drink before. I am deeply ashamed of who I used to be. I had no ambition, I didn’t care who I was or what I was doing and briefly when I was 18-20 I got into taking drugs aswell with drink when around a certain crowd, namely Ecstasy and Cocaine.  I moved away from Birmingham in 2004 to leave that crowd and the drug habit behind, although I never quit the drink, if anything quitting the drugs elevated drinking more.  The problem was I was a heavy drink addict and suffering from mental health issues and I did not give a shit about myself so I would pile any old shit into myself in the hope of numbing the pain and my racing brain for a while. It was around this time I was also heavily self-harming.

The problem with the above as I have now learnt (although I knew something was happening at the time) when you sniff cocaine on top of drinking, fuck me it’s incredible the high, the rush is incredible there are no words could describe how good it feels WOW. I’ve now found through research this is because when both drink and cocaine are mixed the body naturally releases something called Cocaethylene which provides an incredible high through a release of loads of Dopamine. ITS INCREDIBLE, the problem however then is nothing is like the first hit when you take that first line of cocaine and once it wears off you want more and you do more drink and cocaine to chase it, but you will never get it.  Once you stop your obviously going to get a down or a hangover, however when the 2 are mixed and Cocaethylene rears its ugly head this is the worse come down you could ever imagine its truly horrible, that bad you almost mercifully want to kill yourself just to end the suffering which is unbearable, and if a normal down from cocaine lasts a day or 2, this down lasts a week or 2!!. Honestly with the regular down from this and my mental health issues at the time I still to this day do not know how I didn’t manage to kill myself!

I remember once I went out with the bad crowd of mates and they had dragged me out as I was feeling down and on about killing myself, they dragged me out to try and stop me but I still felt like that so when I was offered a lot of drink I drank it, when they offered me ‘E’ Ecstasy pills I took them, and when I was offered lines of cocaine I did them. In the end I crashed and collapsed in the middle of the club and started fitting, then getting admitted to hospital and having my stomach pumped and being kept in on observation overnight.  I then lied to my family and told them I had been in hospital as my drink had been spiked with ketamine.

Once I left Birmingham in 2004 I never touched drugs again.

It’s now coming up to 25 weeks since I quit drink and I am starting to feel a massive sense of pride and positivity.  I am currently spending a lot of time studying addiction and I will be writing blog posts soon on my findings and research, stay tuned!!