Hello, so this is the first post I have written in a long while. Its also gonna be a very strong and honest one please read it and feedback to me!
Where to begin? Ok so on New Years eve I got told that I had to move out of my accommodation in Rugby. I thought it was the end of the world, I was 10 months into my recovery at the time and thriving out the stability in my life and support network I had which I was now going to lose, told on the very day I was fearing most, my first new years eve in recovery. New years eve a night of excessive alcohol and cocaine use normally, New Years eve normally meant having a £500+ blowout of some kind and here I was first 1 in recovery sat alone in a house full of anger, fear and anxiety about having to move and over analyzing the land lady my aunt's motives and overthinking it all and taking it to heart. How I did not lapse that night is still a complete mystery to me to be honest!
I moved back to Birmingham at the end of February and for a month either side my lapse radar was strong, scarily so and I dealt with it all alone, again how I did not crumble is beyond me, I guess there must be some strength there deep down somewhere even if I don't feel it! By the end of March my mental health had took another turn for the worse and I felt alone in my new flat and no recovery community around me and not being engaged with a service for the first time since giving up drink and drugs, I was struggling and I remember one afternoon I went to my local shop and stood for 15mins staring at a bottle of vodka daring myself to buy it and indulge! I needed help!
I called CGL, Change Grow Live. They say things happen for a reason and fate plays it part, CGL call line is a busy one and its pot luck who answers it in a busy office. I got through to someone and explained that I was unsure where I was because I was a year or so into my recovery but feeling weak so maybe I needed to be a service user again. The lady on the phone knew me from Coventry Recovery community and knew of all the blog and book work and media appearances and training and volunteering I had been doing and said "Karl??!!, its Kelly" I was shocked, as if "Hi Kelly how r ya" I relplied. She cut through me "Karl your smashing it I don't think your service user, your on the other end why not do recovery coach training and train toward paid work in the field?" BOOM she read my mind! WOW I signed up and did the training. I now work 5 days a week 1 in hospitals and 4 in detox in a box, where I have also written and deliver 3 programs, as well as several worksheets.
NA meetings! WOW what can I say? I had only ever been to one fellowship meeting in 2010 and I felt it was a bad meeting, in reality it wasn't I just wasn't ready. I spent 6 years running from them circles and demonizing them in my head and feeling anger and resentment and verbally acting out about them. I was scared looking back! I faced my demon about 3 weeks ago. I have now surrendered to them and got my white key-ring, got a sponsor and committed to hitting my steps and attend meetings most days. A huge load has been lifted and the penny is dropping and Im putting my faith in it, I don't know what it is, but my faith is in it!
The whole process, shares I have heard and conversations I have had has got me thinking a lot at the moment.
I now view me in my addicted days as K, as in DJ K. I was a wreck, a self destructing mess. I hated me and couldn't look beyond my own nose. I didn't give a shit about myself or anyone else. I wanted to and did hurt myself and would pile myself full of alcohol and cocaine determined to kill myself, I wanted to die. I would mess up things in my life like work opportunity's and relationships because I was convinced I did not deserve them. I would sell anything nice I ever got because I did not deserve them. My self worth was non existent. I had even become a regular criminal stealing from work places and even getting caught and arrested on one occasion. Alongside my alcohol and cocaine addiction I developed pain killer, gambling, sex and self harming addictions. Im not even talking light self harming like wrist cutting, I even broke many of my own bones. I get asked if I was a horrible person in my addiction days, yes I was but I was not horrible to others, I was horrible to myself!
Part of my recovery is a process of mourning K and letting him go, burying him once and for all and developing some self worth and respect for myself. It is something I still struggle with massively but im trying. Im even trying to avoid entering another relationship as I have spent my whole adult life going from one girl to another searching for love and acceptance and connection, I need to take some time to learn to love myself and get to know me, especially now I don't use substances to escape who I am! For the first time Im having to sit with ME and MY NUT and its uncomfortable and we are having teething problems but we are both stuck with each other so we are going to have to work through this shit!
Thanks for reading
