Just to add

just to add!!

OK so just ever so briefly to follow up/add a footnote to today’s earlier post, I apologise if these blog posts are abit scatty and over the place or not regular enough. As a result of my mental health problems I do tend to have down days were I suffer from writers block or the words just won’t flow as much as I would like.  I will post as much as possible though as I do find it very useful and empowering.

Furthermore I am spending alot of time at the moment studying addiction and the psychology behind it and with that and my own personal development and reflection on past years my head is a mind field full of pages upon pages of things I wanna say and write about however I’m finding the hardest thing is to know where to begin sometimes and how to channel all my racing thoughts into constructive text lol.

Please though I urge you be patient and show love and support it will all be very kindly appreciated

Yours

Karl x

Tomato Ketchup and Drunk Phil Mitchell

Tomato Ketchup and Drunk Phil Mitchell

So here is my latest blog post. Let’s start with a slight rant as funny as it is lol. I’ve managed to not drink due to be prescribed antabuse medication. Antabuse acts in a way that if you allow alcohol into your bloodstream it causes a reaction which can be at best you get violently ill and may need medical attention aswell as nausea and plenty of other unpleasant effects. Worst case scenario it could cause seizures, heart failure, falling into a coma and even death. It can also cause skin reactions upon the use of alcohol hand gels or aftershaves etc. Never so much in my life have I had to be wearer of every single thing I eat or use and had to label read so much when out shopping. Of all the things that I am missing the most one thing stands out more then any tomato ketchup. Ketchup and tomato sauces tend to contain spirit vinegar. If you look carefully enough you can find other cooking sauces or pizzas etc that don’t contain it however every single tomato ketchup that I’ve read the label for contains spirit vinegar. I’ve even looked on the internet for one that does not and no luck.  I’m often asked do you miss drink, maybe a nice cold pint of larger at the end of a long hard day and my answer would be for all my logic no!.  However do I miss tomato ketchup on a perfect bacon sarnie on a Saturday or Sunday morning, heartbreakingly so!

So its now been 6 months since I last had a drank, well 6 months tomorrow the 7th August. Well 24 weeks to be exact. I feel I am a completely different person now to the one I was, I often compare it in my head to the 2 different Phil Mitchell’s on EastEnders drunk Phil and normal Phil. Not to say I’m gonna now turn into a thug now I have control again or start doing over anyone who crosses my fammmmmilllyy but that when I was drunk I was (or at least I thought I was) everyone’s clown, a right laugh, I had no love and respect for myself, wouldn’t care about others or there feelings or situations I might put myself in. As I write this now I think of certain ways I used to be like not washing, choosing drink over food, letting people down to go drink instead, often not remembering hours on end or even whole days, never remembering how I got home and often waking up to a wet bed due to intoxicated impotence, not cleaning my teeth ever, lying to people and hiding the true extent of my drinking, borrowing money I could never pay back to fund drink, erratically quitting jobs or not showing up for work or doing so intoxicated, the list could go on. None of these things I’m proud of but I am slowly growing self love for myself now, I’ve now started improving my wardrobe, I now clean and mouthwash my mouth twice daily, I wash, exfoligate and moisturise my face twice daily and eat well. I’ve also replaced alcohol with all sorts of herbal teas I have a cupboard full of hundreds of different bags ranging in flavor and function.

I’m gonna wrap up for today and I will write more soon, take care!

Dealing with events and landmarks that im used to drinking at.

Dealing with events and landmarks that im used to drinking at.

So in my last post I wrote about how I deal with going on nights out and socialising since I gave up drinking 6 months ago. In this post I’m going to talk about landmark dates and events that would usually see me use drink. I’m going to list now all of these that I have encountered so far and how I dealt with them without having a drink.

My birthday April 18th, this year was the first birthday in 16 years when I’ve not had a drink. I did this through firstly choosing not to have a big birthday night out instead I went to the cinema and had a nice meal with my gf at the time and no drink involved.  I then pinned all my celebrations onto the next day when I had a day with my family especially my young nieces and nephews who I do not drink around.

My brothers wedding and wedding reception May and June this year.  Normally this would be the sort of occasion which I would drink heavily at.  Instead I focused my attention onto being uncle Karl and wanted to make my family proud of my soberity and didn’t want to ruin that.

July this year, I had to deal with the break up of a significant relationship sober for the first time ever.  I was upset and disappointed that it had ended and usually given this sort of thing and my upset and emotions I would usually drink very heavily.  I didn’t know how to cope so I simply went recluse and didn’t get out of bed for like ¾ days, didn’t wash, only ate takeaway’s, didn’t speak to anyone.  It wasn’t ideal and not good for my mental health but it got me through and I did not drink so mission achieved I guess.

July 28th this year, the anniversary of the tragic and unexpected young death of my uncle Chris who I idolised.  This year was the 5th anniversary and the previous 4 years had seen me drink heavily.  This year I managed not to by trying to fill my day and stay busy so as not to give myself a chance to crave a drink and it worked as I did not drink.

Latest Post

this is my latest post

So this is my latest blog post, hello.  Where to start so OK I went out on a night out this weekend with a group of friends who were heavily drinking.  This is not something I would recommend doing during recovery as it can be I major trigger in my case more so because I used to drink as a coping mechanism for my social anxiety.  So how did I get on? Well I didn’t drink although there was times I was offered a drink and people around me were drunk.  So how did I manage it, well the first thing I would say is make sure the people who you are with are aware of your situation and more importantly respectful of that and won’t put pressure on you to drink or have a go at you for not drinking.  Secondly and I cannot stress this enough, have an exit strategy.  What do I mean by this? Well I’ve been out before and felt fine doing so, then part way through the night for whatever reason I’ve felt uncomfortable and got a craving to drink.  This is why an exit strategy is key to prevent using.  In my case I brief the people I’m going to be out with beforehand that there may come a point in the night were I just suddenly disappear and that if I do to respect it and not to bug my phone etc. but to just leave me alone and that I will be perfectly fine and it’s just my way of coping and making sure I don’t reach for a drink.  Disappearing works for me and I simply go home and relax with a herbal tea and this works nicely for me.

So a question I’m asked a lot, do I miss drink? Yes and no but on the most part no! I miss having drink as an easy quick go to coping option, however short term and dangerous that answer used to be. Overall I do not miss drink though given the negative effects financially, health wise, mental health wise, personal hygiene wise, relationship wise etc.  The con’s out way the pros every time.

I’m going to end today’s blog with a poem I’ve been given about addiction that I think is fairly spot on.

I am your addict

I hate meetings, I hate programs, I hate anyone who has a program

To all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering

Allow me to introduce myself, I am addiction, I am cunning, baffling and powerful. I have killed millions and I am pleased.

I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort haven’t I? Wasn’t I there when you were lonely?

When you wanted to die, didn’t you call on me…I was there

I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I love to make you so numb that you can neither hurt nor cry. When you can’t feel anything at all, this is true gratification.

And all I ask from you is long term suffering.

I’ve been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the only one who would agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life.

People don’t take me as seriously as they do strokes or heart attacks, fools, without my help these things would not be possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a program, meetings, all of these things weaken me and I can not function in the manner I am accustomed to. So I lie quietly, unseen but still there. When you only exist I may live. When you live I may only exist.

Dopamine

Dopamine

So I’ve just completed a 2 day course at recovery about substance abuse which tied in with a previous course I’ve done on harm reduction.  Of all the things that were spoke about the one thing that sticks out is dopamine. Dopamine is a compound present in the body as a neurotransmitter and a precursor of other substances including adrenaline.  Put in simple terms dopamine is what the brain releases into the body as a reward. So for example when you have sex or eat something amazing or win at something that amazing feeling you get is a blast of dopamine.  Dopamine is also released when you take your first drink or first hit of drugs whatever it is you are using or maybe for gambling addicts its that feeling when you win your bet, it feels incredible you get a rush woo hoo! Imagine your body and dopamine is a bucket full of fluff, now the bucket is the brain and the fluff is dopamine.  The bucket is full that is a normal and level state.  You eat a nice dinner it releases a little bit of fluff nice woop, you maybe do some excerise it releases a little bit more lovely its empited the bucket slightly but its still OK still dopamine’s left to use in good moderation, lovely. When you have a good drink however or maybe have some drugs it empties the bucket hence why you feel incredible because say for example if a normal release through maybe eating a bit of chocolate or laughter is 5/10% of the bucket using in comparison uses nearly all of the fluff/dopamine hence woooooooo we are high incredible what a feeling.  Herein lies the problem though that bucket/the brain has dopamine in it to keep you level and sane and once emptied takes time to refill. So imagine In my example I have that first pint wow incredible I feel amazing I want more of this because my buckets emptied all at once wow dopamine galore I’m being rewarded for having this pint, so then OK I want more, lets get another pint but there’s no dopamine left! But I want that feeling so off we go chasing that feeling again drink after drink, joint after joint, line after line, bet after bet etc.

Imagine a dog, you teach him to sit, he does you give him a treat he likes it and will do it again all is good and well.  Now you train him to jump, he does but this time you give him a whole bag of treats…shit he goes mental and from now on he will want a whole bag of treats every time, this is the same theory.

I am going to further study dopamine at some point but baring the above information in mind surely theory would dictate that a huge way of beating addiction is to find other ways of releasing dopamine rather then using? Maybe going to gym, taking up hobbies or simply being round people who make you laugh?

Hello Im Karl

Hello I'm Karl

My name is Karl Newton and this is my new blog.  I will be regularly writing to anyone who cares to read about addiction something I will be studying as I go especially the psychology behind addiction as well as my own experience with addiction and on going recovery from alcohol addiction.

Where to start……OK so without sounding too AA about it I’m Karl 31 from Rugby and I’m a recovering alcoholic who’s problems with drink have gone hand in hand with mental health problems for all of my adult life.  It has now been 23 weeks since I last had a drink, my previous best attempt at sobriety only lasted a mere 8 weeks in comparison.  There have been many attempts over the years for my health, mental health and sanity to quit drinking to no avail and will of different services.  This attempt so far seems to be succeeding where others have not, thanks mainly to Antabuse medication.  Antabuse acts in a way that discourages drinking by causing an unpleasant reaction to alcohol ranging from being violently sick to a worse case scenario of death. The use of this has aided me enough not to want a drink.  So as they say so far so good although the key at this stage of recovery I guess is to take 1 day at a time and guard against complacency.  I feel like I’m OK in terms of day to day life etc what I am currently working on is being able to handle what would of been a trigger point for my drinking like social situations due to my social anxiety and other occasions associated with drinking for example birthdays and days out at the football just to name a few. 

Prior to me quitting drink 23 weeks ago I was drinking daily and had been for several years.  Originally it was only ¾ cans or pints of lager a day except for nights out or triggers which may of led to me drinking up to 10 drinks.  Over time this gradually increased especially during the break up of a long relationship and in the aftermath it.  This increased even further over 2014 and by the time I stopped I was drinking 8/10 pints of lager a day Monday to Friday and then of Friday, Saturday and Sunday it was anywhere between 12 and 18 pints a day often with Jack Daniels or Jagerbomb chasers.  Most of the time I would have no memory of hours on end whilst in session and often once I was aware of my own being again I would discover that i had injured myself somehow.

In my coming posts I will further tell of my experience and daily battle as well as studying addiction further.

Bye for now, take care.