Here goes.....not written anything in a while time to jot down some thoughts!

So, I have not done any writing in a while and I have had a lot going on so I need to offload a little bit and hush what is a very loud mind at the moment.  This is my way of letting people in and sharing what is going on for me.

18 Months.  On Saturday 20th August I marked 18 months into my recovery from addiction to drink and drugs.  A hell of a lot has happened this last 18 months.  18 months ago I couldn't go a day without alcohol or cocaine.  I was stuck in the endless cycle of  getting and using drink and drugs with little regard for anything else be it relationships, health, money, accommodation, personal hygiene etc.  I was a mess.  Now 18 months in I give a shit about myself, I have written 3 books published on Amazon, writing more, I have great friends around me, I have great prospects namely in the job I have landed, and I have love, the love of my life, the only girl I have ever been prepared to marry back in my life and this time she has the real me not the mess I was when we were last together 3 years ago.  I never recovered from our split and never found anyone I loved like her and I feel like the luckiest guy alive to have her back in my life.  She is my world and so much more and I intend to spend the rest of my life making things up to her and making up for lost time with her over the last 3 years.

I have not started for the first time properly and willingly receiving counselling and working with a shrink.  I am getting a lot from it and starting to deal with things I needed to years ago.

Job.  I have (after a long and hard recruitment process consisting of writing a personal statement to job spec and 2 lengthy interviews) landed myself a job in the substance misuse sector.  I am so happy and proud of myself and how far I have come, I am actually gonna get paid to help others into recovery WOW (the lunatics have the keys to the asylum lol).  I have worked really hard as a recovery coach to put myself into a position of finding employment and studied even more endlessly in my own time into the subject to develop myself and its nice to get rewards for the sheer amount of passion I have to make a difference and work within this sector.  I have finally found my calling in life.

Continuing studies and thoughts.  I spend so much of my free time reading and watching anything I can find about alcohol, drugs, addiction and recovery.  In particular at the moment I have a preference for 'Harm Reduction'.  I love learning more and more the subject fascinates me.

Drug treatment.  It is still clear to me that wide scale reform is needed within the substance misuse sector and government policies.  Im not going to go into it fully in this post but a few things we need to look at is;

• Prohibition does not work Re:former legal highs.  History has shown that prohibition does not work and simply passing a law to make something illegal will do little to stop its use.  We need to look at Portugal's approach to the war on drugs i.e. making all drugs from weed to Heroin legal! It has proven success and should be the standard
• Alcohol, lets help people not capitalise from the suffering.  Alcohol abuse costs the NHS £3.5 Billion per year, yet the government does very little to reduce this....why??!! because they make more (a lot lot more) in taxes from the drink industry.....money means more then people and lives.
• Methadone.  I think there is a massive flaw within opiate addiction treatment in as much as too many people are spending far too long parked comfy on methadone as an answer instead of actually targeting and achieving complete abstinence from drugs.
• Users belong in treatment and Dealers belong in jail, simple!

Back to the Future.  So I am a huge Back to the Future geek (that is a huge understatement to be fair).  I need to start doing something big about this love of mine, so I am going to collect as many props and merchandise as possible and save up to go to America and go to the shooting locations of the films.  Its a dream and you must always (if they are possible) aim to fulfill your dreams.

Me and thoughts and reflections thanks for reading and I will write more soon

Love Karl

PLEASE READ AND ENTER MY FRAGILE & UPSET MIND!

Hi, this blog post finds you with me feeling very upset and emotional given the harmful actions of others.

Right, let me try and construct this right.  As many of you know I am nearly 18 months into my recovery.  The last few months have seen me find solace with the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.  I love my program and it keeps me in recovery.

A fellow member of NA has de-friended me and claimed to want to have nothing to do with me and not talk to me as I have 'been seen to' break the traditions of NA! I have not! I know how these things work and am sure my name is now shit and being slagged off far and wide and this hurts me as I only ever have the best of intentions and would never hurt a soul.  Yet the few involved in falseley slanderring my name right now are acting in a vile and spiteful manner in an act of insecure jealously! I don't wish to allow my ego to take over but the facts are;

- I have a great flat
- I have a great family life
- I have a loving relationship in my life
- I have written, published and sold 3 books
- I am admired as such and in talks to do many great talks and media appearances
- I have an upcoming interview for a great job in the substance misuse sector
- I am working toward a great career within the substance misuse field, which WILL happen soon enough
- I have written 3 mini training programs and worksheets which are rolled out successfully and facilitated by me to service users.
- I am near on 18 months into my recovery

The fact is it is easy to be envy-us of all the above if you are deep routed in resentments and insecurities and these sorts of thoughts can lead to spiteful behaviors.

The accusation arises from the fact that I have recently written a book 'one foot in front of the other'.  In the book there is a section which list some of the catchphrases that do the round in recovery.  At no point do I mention the fellowships or NA or services for that matter, how can any such setup claim ownership of little phases that PEOPLE say.  The section is below so make up your own mind, and please if you see the fictional part where I break the tradition point it out to the blind me!
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There are a lot of addiction and recovery catchphrases; in this chapter I will list some of them.

One step at a time

It’s an inside job

Just keep coming

Work the steps

Fake it till you make it

One day at a time

You’re in the right place

It’s a journey, not a destination

Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink

Live in the NOW

No pain, no gain

Keep the plug in the jug

It takes time

90 meetings in 90 days

You are not alone

Count your blessings

Change is a process, not an event

It's a marathon, not a sprint

Keep it simple stupid

Addiction requires lies, recovery requires honesty. You can't save your face and your arse at the same time

Addiction is suicide by installments

It's not what you know about recovery that keeps you sober, it's what you do about recovery that keep you sober.

Just say no

Listen to learn, learn to listen

When something bad happens in life you have three choices: you can let it define you, let it destroy you or you can let it strengthen you

By the grace of my higher power

If it’s not in your hula hoop then it's none of your business

This too shall pass

Recovery will be a road of discovery for me

You’re worth it

It works if you work it so work it your worth it!

The elevators broken take the stairs.

A new life for a old yin

Progress, not perfection

Except the things you can't change

Hugs not drugs

Pass it on

An addict alone is in bad company

One drink is too many and a thousand not enough

We will love you until you love yourself

One promise, many gifts

One moment at a time

To thine own self be true

Easy does it

Change your thoughts, to change your actions, to change your life

Time to grow up

Stop running

H.A.L.T. Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired

7 Days without a meeting makes one weak

If there's a light at the end of the tunnel, stop ordering more tunnel

In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a revolutionary act

Let in the good, block out the bad

Think! Think! Think!

Live & let live!

Walking the bridge to normal living

Keep doing the right thing, and the right things will happen

Name it, claim it and dump it

Not my circus, not my monkey

Do the action and the attitude will follow

It's not the place you're at. It's where you're at in the place

Don't leave before the miracle happens

I’m now living, instead of just existing

If you get lost, you can find us on the steps

Baby steps

Feelings are not facts

Let go and let God

If you do what you always do, you will get what you always got

Don’t pole volt over an ant hill

Play the tape through

What you throw out comes back to you!

Stick with the winners, win with the stickers

NUTS – Not using the steps

Keep coming back

Just for today

It is clear that there are a lot of different catchphrases that do the rounds within recovery, some are more useful then others but one must be wise enough to acknowledge them all and draw inspiration and strength from them where ever possible
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MY NEW BOOK! ORDER NOW!

NEW BOOK! ORDER NOW! One Foot in Front of the Other By Karl is a recovering addict he has written this book as a source of help and advice to help the still suffering addict on the journey into recovery! The book is also helpful for everybody, addict or not, as a source of help and advice on how to live a well balanced and 'well' life. It includes diet and well-being tips and lots about mindfulness and a lot lot more! You can find it on Amazon by searching 'karl newton one foot in front of the other'

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Time to write into the abyss again! helps me to offload though so yeah always a positive.

So this week I have been flat, in a low and dark place.  The first thing to point out is that I do have mental health problems so we shouldn't really be surprised that this happens, it is the nature of the beast and it has been known for weeks if not months now that my meds and there levels are wrong and need reviewing and this will hopefully happen soon.

I think aside from that part of the reason may be a few things have nagging at my mind from the past.  There are things I spent years repressing and avoiding by using substances, behaviors and losing my identity within relationships and now for the first time I have decided not to do anything other then to sit on my own as it was and find ME and as a result I am now giving these issues from the past the space they need to manifest.  These thoughts and memories are nagging at me in my waking, mediating and sleeping life.  It is all a matter of perspective in my opinion and I feel they are nagging at me now because its time, they are ready to be addressed and buried in the past so I can move on to a bright future.

I do feel like a hypocrite though because I always preach about mindfulness and living in the now, discarding the past and not worrying about the future, yet here I am letting things from the past pull me down!

I have now started attending NA fellowship meetings and I am optimistic about doing my step work and addressing these issues on a journey of self development and acceptance.

There has been a lot of concern about me this week from others and myself to be fair, but I am ok other then before mentioned issues, in myself Im ok.  Im abit tired, no scrap that A LOT tired as my insomnia is quite bad at the moment but I will be fine.  People keep telling me to slow down, I don't need to! Its a weird notion but low periods are like waves which need to be surfed out, they will pass and all I can do is force myself to keep my routine and consistency going and they will pass as quickly as they came

Love you all

MUST READ, Most honest share I've done in a long time, if not ever!

Hello, so this is the first post I have written in a long while.  Its also gonna be a very strong and honest one please read it and feedback to me!

Where to begin? Ok so on New Years eve I got told that I had to move out of my accommodation in Rugby. I thought it was the end of the world, I was 10 months into my recovery at the time and thriving out the stability in my life and support network I had which I was now going to lose, told on the very day I was fearing most, my first new years eve in recovery. New years eve a night of excessive alcohol and cocaine use normally, New Years eve normally meant having a £500+ blowout of some kind and here I was first 1 in recovery sat alone in a house full of anger, fear and anxiety about having to move and over analyzing the land lady my aunt's motives and overthinking it all and taking it to heart. How I did not lapse that night is still a complete mystery to me to be honest!

I moved back to Birmingham at the end of February and for a month either side my lapse radar was strong, scarily so and I dealt with it all alone, again how I did not crumble is beyond me, I guess there must be some strength there deep down somewhere even if I don't feel it! By the end of March my mental health had took another turn for the worse and I felt alone in my new flat and no recovery community around me and not being engaged with a service for the first time since giving up drink and drugs, I was struggling and I remember one afternoon I went to my local shop and stood for 15mins staring at a bottle of vodka daring myself to buy it and indulge! I needed help!

I called CGL, Change Grow Live. They say things happen for a reason and fate plays it part, CGL call line is a busy one and its pot luck who answers it in a busy office. I got through to someone and explained that I was unsure where I was because I was a year or so into my recovery but feeling weak so maybe I needed to be a service user again. The lady on the phone knew me from Coventry Recovery community and knew of all the blog and book work and media appearances and training and volunteering I had been doing and said "Karl??!!, its Kelly" I was shocked, as if "Hi Kelly how r ya" I relplied. She cut through me "Karl your smashing it I don't think your service user, your on the other end why not do recovery coach training and train toward paid work in the field?" BOOM she read my mind! WOW I signed up and did the training. I now work 5 days a week 1 in hospitals and 4 in detox in a box, where I have also written and deliver 3 programs, as well as several worksheets.

NA meetings! WOW what can I say? I had only ever been to one fellowship meeting in 2010 and I felt it was a bad meeting, in reality it wasn't I just wasn't ready. I spent 6 years running from them circles and demonizing them in my head and feeling anger and resentment and verbally acting out about them. I was scared looking back! I faced my demon about 3 weeks ago. I have now surrendered to them and got my white key-ring, got a sponsor and committed to hitting my steps and attend meetings most days. A huge load has been lifted and the penny is dropping and Im putting my faith in it, I don't know what it is, but my faith is in it!

The whole process, shares I have heard and conversations I have had has got me thinking a lot at the moment.

I now view me in my addicted days as K, as in DJ K. I was a wreck, a self destructing mess. I hated me and couldn't look beyond my own nose. I didn't give a shit about myself or anyone else. I wanted to and did hurt myself and would pile myself full of alcohol and cocaine determined to kill myself, I wanted to die.  I would mess up things in my life like work opportunity's and relationships because I was convinced I did not deserve them. I would sell anything nice I ever got because I did not deserve them. My self worth was non existent.  I had even become a regular criminal stealing from work places and even getting caught and arrested on one occasion.  Alongside my alcohol and cocaine addiction I developed pain killer, gambling, sex and self harming addictions. Im not even talking light self harming like wrist cutting, I even broke many of my own bones.  I get asked if I was a horrible person in my addiction days, yes I was but I was not horrible to others, I was horrible to myself!

Part of my recovery is a process of mourning K and letting him go, burying him once and for all and developing some self worth and respect for myself. It is something I still struggle with massively but im trying.  Im even trying to avoid entering another relationship as I have spent my whole adult life going from one girl to another searching for love and acceptance and connection, I need to take some time to learn to love myself and get to know me, especially now I don't use substances to escape who I am! For the first time Im having to sit with ME and MY NUT and its uncomfortable and we are having teething problems but we are both stuck with each other so we are going to have to work through this shit!

Thanks for reading

First post in a while, Lapses Redbull Cola!, Going Veggie with Humor, Some deep thoughts aswell

What I've been up to.  Hi how you all doing, its been a while.  I am back in Birmingham now my hometown.  I have engaged with Change Grow Live, and in particular Emerging Futures and am working as a recovery coach and loving it.  I have also applied to a stack of college courses to develop my way toward a paid career within the drink and drug treatment sector.  I am currently developing a number of new ideas, as well as writing my 3rd book which will be called One foot in front of the other.

Redbull Cola.  In 2009 the product Red Bull Cola was found to have traces of Cocaine in it, yet if you Amazon it right now, you can still buy it, very odd!

Going Veggie.  On Wednesday 27th April I decided to go vegetation.  I want to try it for at least a month, but so far Im feeling really good and refreshed for it.  Some things are weird about it though.  Cravings I used to get for drink or drugs I now get for cheeseburgers when Im walking through town.  I stand outside a burger pacing up and down, the devious part of my mind telling me "go on just 1 little burger....you know you want to" and I become fearful, fearful of where 1 would lead to, its a slippy slope, first a litter burger, then a steak, then a mixed grill and eventually inappropriate meat love!

Lapses.  See my new meme quote about lapses, hope you like it.

Deep though moment.  So been thinking today.  All faiths no matter what they are teach at there core that we have to look within to move forward.  There is even the catchphrase 'its an inside job'.  When I think about it is is true, within us lies a happiness, within us we are well.  There have been periods of ours lives where we have demonstrated that for example our childhoods.  When we were kids, really young kids even toddlers or babies we didn't have a care in the world, not a worry just ran around all day like nutters screaming and shouting, laughing as well.  So what changes when we grow and develop, we are conditioned to certain ways of thinking by things like Family and Peers and Society.  We are taught to want more, more money, possessions, fame, bigger home, better car, better looks etc.  If we don't get what we want we are thrust into traits of depression and envy in the pursuant of such things.  We then start reaching out again for relief from external sources.  It would seem then that the key is to stop looking externally and focus on what is inside of us, our true happiness.

Me trying to do some comedy! Please give me some feedback!